Breathe in your shame .. instead of trying to escape it!
... A couple days ago the feelings of disgust poured over me, and my mind was filled with judgmental thoughts towards some of the choices I had made. I'm gonna be sharing a story with you, what has helped me to transmute this shame + the way that we can come together to heal. But first, I want to share this story with you.
So, I use to go "stealing" all the time, that's what I'd call it back in the day as if it were a part of my everyday life, although it was. One day, I decided to go to this warehouse in Brampton on Queen street... it was right beside the Stitches and a few other stores. On these trips, I'd bring empty shopping bags, fill some of my clothes in them, and make my way to the stores to fill up these bad boys with new clothes. But, this isn't what this story is about.......... Right beside this hidden warehouse, was a hair salon/spa owned by this cute little Indian woman. She was short and round, with a gorgeous smile... Very welcoming. She looked like she knew how to cook a good meal. (+ I don't mean that in a rude way... there are just those people who look like they know how to cook!) Anyways, it was a gorgeous day in May, and she was standing outside of her salon, saying hello to people who had passed. And as our eyes met, she said "Darling you have such gorgeous hair." I stopped and said thank you and told her "You as well." Carrying these huge bags of stolen clothes she said "Day off today? Doing some shopping?" Shopping my ass! lol But I smiled and said "Yes..." She then began explaining to me of how she'd just bought her new space for her hair salon, and that if I got my hair done by her, she would "give me a good deal". I told her I go to a my girlfriend already, but thanked her. She nodded and said okay and "You should come check it out! I'm looking for some interns." Her kindness, or what I though was kindness, couldn't say no to her ... Most pimps do that. They tell the girl really great things.. are so so nice to you, they offer you "love" and make you feel beautiful... and in return when they ask you for a favour, you feel incredibly guilty if you say no. Also, who knew there could be female pimps?
Anyways, her salon was recently bought... I could always tell by the energy of a freshly bought store or hair salon, can't you? Fresh paint smell... different styling chairs at each station, and some green plants she put at the front window to hide some of the peeling paint. All of her staff were men, expect for this lovely girl who was putting red lipstick on in the far corner of the salon. "She's pretty." I thought to myself. I really liked her cheetah tank top too! (this was when cheetah and animal print were the thing). The owner said "This is Pooja, she does our massages and waxing." Pooja said "Hi." with a very faint smile. She never did say much to me during our time together. I remember taking the bus home after work, and she was on the phone crying. She didn't see me. But... I felt deep grief for her.
The tour continued, and we were now making our way up 5 steps into a dark hallway, with only 3 pocket lights, one being burnt out.. This is where the rooms were. Only 3 out of the 5 had doors on them, the rest were dressed in black cloth. And as I write this... I feel the pulling of escapism right now typing this, as I felt in those very rooms. Confused, stuck energy.
So, she showed me into all the rooms and asked me if I would like to be her assistant and help around the salon. And I had just quit this horrible retail job where they didn't pay me many times for staying overtime.. I felt that this was an opportunity to take! I also wanted approval of my Mum to know that I was independent and was making my own money. So, I said yea sure!
And then she brought me into one of the rooms and told me...
" You know, you could make a lot of money here, like Pooja." I replied with " Well what does Pooja do?" -
Because I've already experienced pimp number 1 and 2 ... I kind of knew where she was going with this. I also felt, like I was safe to do this.
The owner said that Pooja gave some of the massages.. but mostly she was available for "full service." I knew what that meant.. I've heard it a million times before. "Full service" is when your available for everything, including sex and including anal. Sometimes, men push their luck and ask for service without a condom. - Uhm, NO.
At this time in my life, it was all about money! Money money money. Anything to make money, "I should do it" I told myself . My ex-boyfriend who was in jail (or so I thought... I was pretty much getting CatFished the entire time) really REALY had my thinking that money was all I needed to be happy... and whatever I have to do to get it, was what needed to be done. I lived by that motto for years... till I realized, that just is not my divine truth.
We are already abundant, and abundance is not found anywhere but inside of ourselves.
Anyways, I was so excited for this offering she had given me. I thought I was gonna be rich! I thought I was gonna have all this money and buy a nice car, and not have to steal clothes anymore ... It was a clear yes. However, there was one small teensy catch... I had to give her 40% cut of all that I made. I agreed to this offer... But, I actually charged more in the back. The owner didn't know that I was not new to this. So, I made all of the money, and then some. But, it didn't make me feel any better afterwards.
The following Monday, I began this journey as a hair salon assistant and a "masseuse". My first client was a blur; a small indian man, very quiet. and the exchange happened.... I just remember asking myself "Oh my God, am I really doing this again?" - I ignored this thought, and pretended I was enjoying my time with this man. That's what the job entails ; you please the man, and he gets what he pays for. After the 4 minutes passed and he was finished, I headed to the bathroom, as the taste of condom was in my mouth. I put my clothes, my undies and my skirt back on, and headed back down to the main area.
There was at least 8 men waiting for either me or Pooja... sitting on the chairs there... with sparkles in their eyes, as if they've never seen a woman before. In that moment, I laughed inside of how pathetic these men were and how much money I was going to take from them. There was this one man who looked really dirty, with a scruff and looked like he hadn't changed his clothes in 3 days, food stains on them. NO I did take this man in the back, I thought I had standards. Anyways, long story short, this continued for the rest of the week. And when it came Friday... everything changed all of a sudden. I no longer wanted to do this, I felt drained, I felt sick to my stomach, I felt used. I wanted to punch the owner in her face.. How could she do this? How could she use me like this?
On the Friday, I was standing in front of the mirror in one of the rooms, I was fixing my hair. I hear a knock at the door, and this man with a turquoise turban came in my room, saying he was sent up here by the owner. I said "No, get out." He looked at me, knowing of my answer, and came into the room and closed the door behind him. He said " I pay you more money." with his accent. I said "NO" . I could smell him from across the room as he spoke.. Immediately as I smelt that, I knew his area down below probably didn't smell any better. He begged me "Please just hug me, my wife doesn't touch me anymore." I looked at him and I felt really awful. I felt so bad for him. As he laid 5 one hungered dollar bills on the bed, that is double of what I was expecting. I said "Okay". I took the money and put it in my purse. He's now taking off his clothes... I am so scared to breathe right now... I'm afraid I'm going to puke. As he took of his clothes and laid on the bed, his penis was uncircumcised and I did not want to go anywhere near it. Because you have to pull the skin down to expose the penis... I didn't even do that. I grabbed the condom right away, and started putting it on him with two fingers... I did not want to touch him. I could see his uncleaned penis through the condom, let's just say this man had no cleaned his penis in years.
So, I couldn't find it in me to do this with him, I gave his money back and said bye. I didn't say anything else to him. As he left ...The questions that came to me was "Am I going to do this forever?" , "Omg omg omg."
I was freaking out. I had a panic attack.
I thought that expressing and being present with myself made me weak. And that someone could use my vulnerability against me. I kept it all inside of me. Literally.
After this man left, I had told the owner, that this would be my last day... she did not look impressed at all. She said "You know you still have to..." I interrupted her, and said "No, today is my last day, and I'm leaving in about 10 minutes. Thank you." - I was never really afraid of my pimps. I was always able to get out some how. I was never EVER afraid.
There are so many things that I was ashamed of, this story being one of them. but saying yes to this offer of working in the salon / spa ... was an initiation into my souls path of sexual empowerment and womb healing.
However , I did not know this at this time
On that Friday I went to see my current boyfriend, he knew nothing of my week long of prostitution. However... him and I do have another story that I will share with you another time. Him and I loved our sexy time ;) but because my vagina felt loose, it felt so open from sleeping with all these men that week... I felt dirty... and thoughts like "oh my god, I hope my pussy goes back in." I was afraid that my current boyfriend would notice that my vagina didn't feel the same, because it didn't feel the same to me. But as he entered me, I pretended that it was all normal. But was dying inside. And every moan that I made, was a chance for me to yell at myself, and release all of the men who entered me... That didn't really work to be honest.
This shame... was hidden really really deep.
Now, fast track to last Thursday, I had a coaching call with my coach. As usual, she asked me how I was feeling and what's been going on for me. I replied with "Things are going amazing, I have my days where I feel so incredibly empowered... and then I have some days where deep shame consumes me. I am just so tired. Like I'm super excited to be doing this sacred work !! But I AM JUST SO TIRED."
"Hmm" she replied. She invited me to gently close my eyes, and to really connect with this deep shame that's coming up for me. I immediately sunk into this black energy... not negative energy, but black, cool and receptive energy, as she called up the Mother of Compassion Kali. I knew Kali was present even before she had called onto her, as I felt a cool breeze brush my face. Kali shows herself to me that way.
Sitting with this shame, tears rolled down my eyes. I said "its painful". The next question she asked me was "Where is this deep shame truly coming from? " Higher self says "Choices"... I share that with her. Choices of working as a prostitute, and becoming a stripper. I was so so shameful of it. As I sat with this shame, breathing it into my being, deeper and deeper with every breath I took, I could feel my connection to my higher self, and with the Goddess Kali. Allowing me to see the truth of my choices.
She then asked me "Now that you are breathing in this shame, and loving it, what's wrong with the choices that you've made.? As I sat with this question for a few moments...
"Nothing." I said.
Nothing is wrong with the choices that I've made.
Breathing in this truth, calling in the shame, instead of trying to escape it, allowed me to resurrect deep truth in my being of my powerful sexual energy. Learning what was not true connection when working as a prostitute, learning the shadow of our sexual energy ... allowed me to see and know the difference NOW, and BE my true self NOW.
The story that I share with you, is one of great shame when I was looking at it from the perspective of fear, and of shadow... and of judgements. But when I tuned into the TRUTH of why this had occurred, and what my soul was longing for, which was sexual and womb empowerment... I began to be the truth of my experiences.
So I ask you sister,
• Do you feel disempowered to speak your truth, because you feel you don't deserve it based on the choices that you've made ?
• Even though you have began the journey of self- love, shame holds you back from your truth?
• Are you tired of not having a voice?
• Do you judge yourself for some of the choices you've made, and are ready to be the sovereign being you were born to be?
• And are you ready to BREATHE IN your shame, and use it as your sacred womb power?!
If so, this is what we are going to be sitting with, and breathing into for the 3 Day Live Womb Workshop. I invite you sister, into a New and TRUTHFUL understanding and compassion for yourself and your beautiful journey. Beginning Monday July 31st, at 11:11am. This will be a space held for all women of all journeys who would like to embark on a new journey of Self Love and ...
Sexual + Womb Empowerment
The 3 Day Live Womb Workshop, includes:
• 3 Live Workshops where you can transmute Sexual shame, womb trauma of Abortion and womb trauma of Sexual Abuse + Rape
• Womb activation + illumination meditation for you to tap into your own wombs wisdom and mysteries of your blood on all 3 days of this experience.
• A New unconditional love for yourself , the choices you've made + your abusers
• A free guided Womb Activation Meditation - More details coming soon!
• and much MORE <3
Lots of Womb Love to You,
May your Shame become your Sacred Womb Power,